Seeing and Hearing Our Husbands

“You have seen many things, but you do not observe them;
Your ears are open, but none hears.” (Isaiah 42:20, NASB)

Great communication in our marriages begins with deep observation of each other. Hearing each other’s hearts … hearing with understanding. Understanding the meaning of words, actions, backgrounds, hopes, fears, and so much more. Seeing and hearing our husbands deeply matters.

What do you see when you look at your husband? Do you see his heart’s desire? Do you look deeply into his eyes and see what he sees?

Seeing Our Husbands

The Israelites saw God work mightily in their lives and in the lives of their forefathers. Yet, Isaiah 42:20a says, “You have seen many things, but you do not observe them”

We’ve seen our husbands, but have we observed the details of their lives? Blended details that make up the meanings they attach to their experiences and the actions and words of others. Someone said that great communication begins when meanings meet.

Observing God’s Creation

We just returned from Kenya and Tanzania. We saw and heard God’s creation in a new light and heard it in symphony. It was truly a shared spiritual experience. The beauty, sounds, people, and animals greatly blessed us.

Fifty-five-year-old Fred moved slowly as he scooped up the grass and small bushes. At first, he was like all the other elephants. We watched him grab the grass with his trunk. Sometimes he scraped the ground with his foot and shoved the roots and plants up toward his trunk. His trunk grasped the small shrubs without him ever looking to see where they were. Into his mouth they went. I noticed that Fred’s eyes were about 1/3 open and wondered if he could see well.

We left Fred and met Tailless, a younger elephant born without a tail. His eyes were wide open. I asked if Fred couldn’t see very well. Our guide had not noticed. I wonder if it really made a difference. Neither seemed to look at what they were eating. They both enjoyed God’s pasture. Small details that may not have mattered.

Fred and Tailess became important to us. They weren’t just elephants eating grass and other plants. They became creatures that Keith and I cared about.

Together, we began to notice little details that were almost hidden, like seeing the patterns on a tiny lizard or one small flower in a sea of tan, green, and brown brush, or a cheetah cub almost hidden by the tall grass.

How does this relate to our marriages?

Details drive good marriages. Are we seeing and hearing our husbands’ hearts?

Observing Our Husbands

You have seen your husband, but have you closely observed him? Even though he doesn’t say a word, do you know what he is thinking? Why he’s thinking that? What led him to think that? How are his thoughts making him feel? Have you identified how you can pray for him, comfort, or support him?

The more we observe our husbands, the more we can connect with them and support them.

Hearing our Husbands

“Your ears are open, but none hears.” (Isaiah 42:20b)

You have heard your husband’s words, but are you hearing his heart … his spirit? Do you know the meanings he attaches to his words and experiences?

Jesus lived in fellowship. He spent about 3 ½ years with His disciples, 24/7. He knew their hopes, fears, backgrounds, and thoughts. Our Lord taught in parables based on how His followers lived. Jesus knew His followers and others intimately and used their language and experiences. His parables included leading sheep, planting and caring for vineyards, sowing seeds, and much more.

Do you know your husband intimately? Really? Can you finish his sentences before he does? Do you understand his reactions to positive, negative, or neutral experiences?

Our backgrounds help to shape the way we understand and communicate. The way we interpret each other’s communications is ever-changing, because we are changing. Each new experience, with our husbands helps to change us, and the same holds true for our husbands.

Detail-driven Listening

We learned quite a bit in Africa. Not just about the animals and birds but also about the people, our Creator, and ourselves. We listened to our guides, asked questions, observed the people, and sat in silence, taking it all in. We gained a heightened awareness of God, His beautiful creation, and His love for the people. Divine appointments reinforced our seeing and hearing. The small details became more apparent as we concentrated on seeing and hearing intently.

Our guides demonstrated this concentration by pointing out evidence of the animals and birds before we saw them. Sometimes the animals blended in with the brush and trees. We gazed intently through the brush, high grasses, and trees. It was exhausting but thrilling. Gradually, we noticed more, sometimes before the guides did.

Keith was so proud when he was the first to see an Egyptian goose high in the tree. Of course, I bragged about him in front of everyone.

We also became more aware of each other’s hearts. The trip truly became a spiritual experience.

So what? What does this have to do with active listening from the heart?

God’s Teaching

Active listening empowers us to see and hear our husbands in different ways. This revelation takes intense observation and listening to the meaning behind words and actions. It’s quietly observing, looking for the meaning, understanding the moment, and delighting in how God is using our husbands.

Most importantly, it’s asking God what He is teaching both of you.

That teaching is key as you compare your observations of your husband with what you have observed about yourself. What has shaped your understanding? How is your understanding different than your husband’s? What is God teaching him? How can you support and encourage him?

Deep listening is all about the details. Understanding each other … your backgrounds, mission, values, and spirituality.

Mission and Values

Listening begins with understanding each other’s mission and values. Most likely, you both don’t have a stated mission or values statement. That’s okay. But understanding what’s supremely important to each of you creates a powerful connection. Formalizing that understanding with each other might be helpful.

Think about developing your mission and values statements together. Pray about it and see how God leads you.

Your husband might not see the value in it right now. That’s fine. Go ahead and work on your mission and values statements first.

Share them with your husband and ask for his feedback. Then, share your observations about him and ask what he thinks about your observations.

You might say, “This is what I think is most important to you. Is that true? Could that be your mission statement?” He will probably correct you. That opens the door for you to ask, “Would you like to work on your mission and values statements with me and adjust my mission and values statements to align with yours?”

Your husband might be puzzled about why you would want to do this. If so, you can respond, “I want to be more focused about following God’s will for my life and making a difference in your life, the lives of our family, and the lives of others. Will you help me?”

Mission Statements

Mission statements identify your purpose. What path has God set before you? God told Abram to start walking toward a land God had promised him. He didn’t know where that land was, but Abram began walking. His mission was to obey God by walking toward the promise.

Paul stated his mission in Philippians 3:13-14, “Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.” [ESV]

How can you and your husband discover your mission? Here’s one exercise. Think forward to the end of your days and consider this question: If you knew you were about to see God face to face, what would you most want to lay at His feet? What do you think He uniquely created you to do? And are you doing anything about that right now?
(Gary Thomas, A Lifelong Love: How to Have Lasting Intimacy, Friendship, and Purpose in Your Marriage, p. 48)

Values Statements

Your values help to form your mission. They include those characteristics and actions that are important to you and your husband, like faith, honesty, compassion, and self-discipline. Your values statement might include characteristics of the fruit of the Spirit, “… love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control ….” [Galatians 5:22-23 ESV]

You might share these Scriptures with your husband. Pray before you begin that God will lead you in the path that He wants you to walk in. Be curious.

Remember to pray before and after each time you focus on your mission or values statement.

Past Memories

You might begin by remembering the past month and listing some positive characteristics about yourself that helped shape your words and actions. If your husband agreed to help you, ask what he has observed that would help you understand your purpose and your values.

As you develop your mission and values statements together, you’ll find yourselves growing closer to each other.

“A common mission is a powerful tool for shaping marital intimacy” (Gary Thomas, A Lifelong Love: How to Have Lasting Intimacy, Friendship, and Purpose in Your Marriage, p. 49).

My mission statement is, “To listen deeply, pray intensely, love passionately, and bless widely.” My values include “listen, pray, love, bless” as well as the fruit of the Spirit.

As you both work together on your values and mission statements, you will find that you are growing deeper in the knowledge of each other and yourselves. More importantly, you both will find yourselves supporting each other in a more focused way. You will begin to ask yourselves if you are walking in a way that will achieve the mission that the Lord has given you and your husband.

Your Challenge

Take a walk every day for a week and notice the small things … the small flowers in the weeds, the ants, the animals, the birds and the songs they sing. How is God providing for them? Thank God for revealing His beautiful creation. Ask yourself how God is providing for you and your husband. How is God wrapping your marriage in beauty, even in the small details? Write a few notes each day.
Each day, notice something new and positive about your husband—either his actions, words, or physical appearance. How is God working in him? Thank God for showing you those new aspects of your husband. Write a few notes each day.
Notice something positive about yourself that you hadn’t noticed before. This will take practice, but you can do it. Thank God for how He is working in your life. Write your observations each day, even if you didn’t notice something.

An Adventure of Love

Listening involves the Holy Spirit’s help to see, hear, and ponder the body, the mind, the heart, and the spirit. As you continue to deeply listen, you may find that the Lord prompts you both to revisit your values and mission statements from time-to-time, adjusting them as you grow deeper in love with the Lord and each other.

“A man’s steps are from the LORD;
how then can man understand his way?” (Proverbs 20:24 ESV)

What an adventure God has given us all! I hope you are delighting in God’s work in and through you and your husband.

The adventure continues!

Father, thank You for our husbands. Thank You for their hearts and the works that You have prepared for them to walk in. Help us to see our husbands as You see them. Empower us to observe the details that have shaped their lives. Quicken our ears so that we listen deeply to their hearts and spirits. Lord, we want to serve You and our husbands well. Equip us to understand the mission You have given our husbands as well as our mission. Hone our values so that they mirror Your values. May our marriages glorify You. In Jesus’ name, amen.