A Psalm of David. LORD, I cry out to You; Make haste to me! Give ear to my voice when I cry out to You. Let my prayer be set before You as incense, The lifting up of my hands as the evening sacrifice. Set a guard, O LORD, over my mouth; Keep watch over the door of my lips.

Psalm 141:1-3

Below is an adaptation of a meditation I recently shared with the wives of Calvary Chapel Beaumont.

Research has shown that men and women do think differently. We process emotions differently. We learn differently, and we make decisions differently. 

Our brains are different. Men’s brains are about 10% larger than women’s brains, but our brains have more nerve cells. 

Women tend to connect both sides of the brain while we respond to stimuli. But men tend to use only one side of the brain when they respond to stimuli.

We weave memories and emotions into our conversations while men tend to use more “report talk.” Their responses are more literal and without emotion.  

It’s like the story of Elkanah and Hannah in 1 Samuel 1. Elkanah had two wives, Peninnah and Hannah. Peninnah had a lot of sons and daughters, but Hannah had none. Peninnah was constantly chiding Hannah because she was barren.

But Elkanah loved Hannah more. He provided for Peninnah and her children well, but to Hannah he always gave twice as much. Still, Hannah cried because she had no son. Then, she stopped eating. What was Elkanah’s response?

… “Hannah, why do you weep? Why do you not eat? And why is your heart grieved? Am I not better to you than ten sons?” (1 Samuel 1:8).

Wives, what do you do with that? 

Before we leave Hannah, she made a vow to God that if He gave her a son, she would give him back to serve God all his life. Samuel was born. When he was weaned, Hannah presented him to God to serve Him. God blessed her with more sons and daughters. You can read about it in 1 Samuel 1 and 2.

Research shows that men and women think differently.

Does this sound right? Men are fixers … problem solvers. Women want to talk about their problems. Gray writes that when men are stressed they withdraw to be alone while women seek others to talk with about their stress. How many of you have seen men in your neighborhood in the garage watching television or working on a project?

Ladies, we women multi-task. Men tend to stay in one waffle square at a time. 

So how do we communicate with each other if our thinking is so different?

Women of God, our backgrounds have a big part to play in the way we communicate and the way we interpret our husband’s communications.

Yes, we’re one with each other, but he probably didn’t have the same background as you had. It’s like his field of experience is like his corn field. He interprets life experiences and communication with others by peeling back each experience and communication like he peels the corn husk away from the corn cob, one husk at a time.

Your field of experience may be like your field of lavender. You make meaning of your experiences and communication with others by snipping sprigs of lavender from the bush, sniffing their fragrance, smiling, and arranging them in a crystal vase. You may be thinking of the fragrant candles that you will be creating with the lavender and the happiness you will bring to others.

How do a corn husker and a candle maker communicate?

Well, you’re both growers. You enjoy nature. That’s a start. Here’s a real-life example.

As some of you know, Keith and I took students on study abroad trips until he retired. We’d take the students to visit businesses while we were in other countries. They enjoyed tours of the businesses and lectures on international business. 

On one trip, we took them to the “historical capital of flowers and ‘noses’ on the French Riviera,” Grasse, France. “Noses” are the professional designers of the perfumes. 

Although we entered the facility through the same door, breathed in the same fragrances, saw the same flowers and machinery, heard the same lectures, Keith and I interpreted the experience in entirely different ways.  

Before the Lord healed me of fibromyalgia, I could not tolerate even the slightest fragrance. Have you noticed that many main entrances to stores like Macy’s, Penney’s, and Nordstrom have the perfume and makeup sections, so you have to walk through them to get to the clothes? I would hold my breath as we walked through those sections or suffer the consequences.

Here we were in a perfumery, breathing in the fragrances of many flowers. AND, I was enjoying them … delighting in them … blessed by them … thanking God for His healing. I was awestruck!

Keith also enjoyed the tour. He learned about the different brands that this manufacturer created fragrances for. He watched his students … hoped they were learning about the business.

Afterwards, we had a rich discussion about our interpretations and blended them, so that we understood each other’s perspective. Each interpretation was correct. Each interpretation was rich.

But blended, we learned much more. More about God, more about the business, and more about each other. We listened intently to each other, learned what was important to each other in that experience, and responded in love. We were focused on each other. Listening intently to each other.

As you worked your way through this week’s section, you focused on listening. Listening to God, listening to see or understand, learning the languages of love, listening as a ministry, and responding in love. Three of those days were focused on listening, one on studying love languages, and only one on responding. But that one day … responding … can make our communication glow or dim.

Glowing communication in marriage is made up of listening deeply and responding in love.

For we all stumble in many things. If anyone does not stumble in word, he is a perfect man, able also to bridle the whole body. Indeed, we put bits in horses’ mouths that they may obey us, and we turn their whole body. Look also at ships: although they are so large and are driven by fierce winds, they are turned by a very small rudder wherever the pilot desires. Even so the tongue is a little member and boasts great things. See how great a forest a little fire kindles! And the tongue is a fire, a world of iniquity. The tongue is so set among our members that it defiles the whole body, and sets on fire the course of nature; and it is set on fire by hell. For every kind of beast and bird, of reptile and creature of the sea, is tamed and has been tamed by mankind. But no man can tame the tongue. It is an unruly evil, full of deadly poison. With it we bless our God and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in the similitude of God.  Out of the same mouth proceed blessing and cursing. My brethren, these things ought not to be so. 

James 3:2-10

FOR WE ALL STUMBLE IN MANY THINGS. And many times, it starts with our tongues, doesn’t it? Not listening. Not thinking.

Words spurt out of our mouths before we think.

James 3:2-3 says, “For we all stumble in many things. If anyone does not stumble in word, he is a perfect man, able also to bridle the whole body. Indeed, we put bits in horses’ mouths that they may obey us, and we turn their whole body.”

Have you ever wished you could take back something you said? Saying something that hurts our husband is like squeezing a tube of toothpaste, it’s messy and once it’s out, you can’t put the mess back in the tube.

 Words! They can build up or tear down, so very easily.

Have you ever been on a runaway horse? Pretty scary, isn’t it? You might say that the bridle is a preventive measure against that. The bit in the horse’s mouth enables the rider to tell the horse to stop or to turn. The horse listens to the bit and responds.

We loved to ride horses when we lived in the Philippines. One horse that I enjoyed riding liked to run.

One day, I dropped the reins and couldn’t retrieve them. He started running, faster and faster. He even leaped over a creek. I held on for dear life. I thought I would end up on the ground, but he finally slowed down, and I retrieved the reins. 

Ladies, we must always be in control. We can’t drop the reins like I did with that sweet horse. We must hold the reins of our tongues. The controls we put in place before we get on the communication horse matter a great deal.

Proverbs 15:4 says, “A wholesome [healing] tongue is a tree of life, But perverseness in it breaks the spirit.”

Glowing Communication Listens and Responds.

Point 1: When we bridle our tongues, we can bridle our actions.

James 3:4 Look also at ships: although they are so large and are driven by fierce winds, they are turned by a very small rudder wherever the pilot desires. 

A rudder is a wing-like protrusion in the rear of the boat that sits in the water and steers the boat. It’s small but powerful. It steers the boat through water currents, the wind, and the waves. In small boats, the rudder is controlled by someone holding the handle, called a tiller or helm. 

Our tongues are like the boat, sometimes in a storm. We must hold tight to the helm and control our tongues like the helm directs the rudder. How do we do that? 

We pray and let the Holy Spirit take the helm. What do we pray? Psalm 141:3 might be a good prayer:

“Set a guard, O LORD, over my mouth; Keep watch over the door of my lips.”

Point 2: Ask the Holy Spirit to take the helm.

James 3:5-6: “Even so the tongue is a little member and boasts great things. See how great a forest a little fire kindles! And the tongue is a fire, a world of iniquity. The tongue is so set among our members that it defiles the whole body, and sets on fire the course of nature; and it is set on fire by hell.”

James shows us what controlling the tongue can look like although we stumble in the way we control it. Now he shows us what can happen when we don’t control it. When the tongue is focused on itself and isn’t listening to others and responding as it should.

First, an uncontrolled tongue begins with an impure word or two. Then, it spreads to the rest of our body – our actions are set on fire. Finally, it spreads to others. Spreads to our husbands and hurts them. 

A mean word or two escapes from our mouths before we think, and a firestorm explodes. 

Before we know it, our faces become contorted, our eyes flash, and our voices crescendo. We’re no longer focused on controlling our tongues but on spewing out words we’ll regret later. 

Point 3: Speaking before thinking erupts into a firestorm.

James 3:7-8: “For every kind of beast and bird, of reptile and creature of the sea, is tamed and has been tamed by mankind. But no man can tame the tongue. It is an unruly evil, full of deadly poison.”

Not thinking of the full circumstances, uncontrolled, our tongues spew poison. It’s like the disciples waking Jesus up in the middle of the storm on the Sea of Galilee in Mark 4:38, “Teacher, don’t you care that we’re going to drown?”

They know He cares. Hadn’t they heard Jesus tell them to go to the other side of the sea? He was in the boat with them! Of course, they were going to make it to the other side. But their emotions, their fear, got the better of them. Before you know it, they accused Jesus of not caring!

Women, do you find yourself letting your emotions get the better of you? I do.

James 3:9-10: “With it we bless our God and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in the similitude of God. Out of the same mouth proceed blessing and cursing. My brethren, these things ought not to be so.” 

Bits in our mouths, reins in our hands, we bless God and our husbands. Listening and responding with blessing.

Rudder flailing, hands off the helm, we curse our husbands (God’s sons) as the storms of life come crashing down. Emotional and self-focused, not listening to understand our circumstances, we lose control of our tongues. 

How do we take up the reins again, my friends? How do we grab the helm?

Here’s a trick I learned when I experience something less than positive. Think PASS.

How the PASS Technique Works

“Karen, you’re always in the kitchen! My mother spent half the time making dinner, and she didn’t have all the gadgets and tools you have.”

• PAUSE. Take a deep breath. Lower my shoulders.
• ASK.  I wonder why he said that. He got a lot of fried food, canned, and frozen food when he was growing up. Most of our food is fresh. I do a lot of chopping. I don’t sit down and just talk with him. I’m talking with him as I’m fixing dinner. He has a healthier diet than what his mom cooked, but she didn’t know any better. 
• SELECT: Select how you will respond. I think he wants to spend more time with me! I’ll choose to take that as a compliment; he wants to spend more time with me.
• SMILE and SAY. “Honey, I’m sorry that I’m in the kitchen longer than your mom was. I’m concentrating on making you as fresh a meal as possible. Would you like for me to prepare the meal ahead of time and warm it up so that I can spend more quality time with you? Or we could do this together. Would you like to help?”

“Well, even though you’re retired, you’re working as hard as I am, and I’m worried about you. Can I help you with dinner?”

Both misinterpreted the other. When we listen intently to each other, we share the meaning of the moment. We share our hearts. Much better than snapping back at him without thinking.

Point 4: Pausing to listen intently leads to shared hearts.

Dear glowing wives, what if we placed the bit in our mouths? What if we took the reins of our communication direction and chose to listen deeply to our husbands? What if we responded with love and delight?

It might look something like one day in an airport.

I noticed a beautiful grand piano roped off on three sides in the middle of the terminal. A young man was sitting close by focused on his cell phone.

A woman noticed the piano and sat down. She began playing. For about 20 minutes, I delighted in her music. 

The man on his cell phone never looked up. Travelers talked, looked around, and rushed past the pianist.

This young woman was completely absorbed in her music. I was, too. 

She ended elegantly. I walked over to her and clapped. I thought someone else would join me in clapping. No one joined me. She looked up, smiled, stood, fingers still on the piano keys as she paused; she smiled again. I continued clapping. She took a few steps, turned, and smiled. 

I asked Keith if he heard the music. “Yes, it was pretty.” He was striding two waffle squares and couldn’t be in more squares than that. He was focused on the details of the trip back to the States and our students. I didn’t have to worry about those details.

In the to-and-fro of this busy international airport, without words, this young woman shared herself.

T.S. Eliot wrote about experiencing a moment but missing the meaning. He wrote about music hanging silently in the air.

Wives, we have many musical moments with our husbands. What if we are missing the meaning, missing the beauty, missing truly listening to their hearts, sharing the moment with them? What if we’re missing the depth of the experience with our husbands?

What if we were to stop and really listen to our husbands? What if we paused, asked ourselves what the moment with our husbands means, selected a response that blessed, and smiled and said that blessing over them?

What if …?

• What if we bridled our tongues and paused to truly listen to our husband’s heart, absorbing the meaning of the moment? 
• What if we paused, asked, selected a positive outcome, smiled, and said our response in love?

Ladies, may you listen deeply to your husband and respond with glowing communication that blesses him and delights our heavenly Father.

Related Links:

Radiant Respect Flows From Loving Submission

Love Lighting the Way

Reflecting God’s Love in Marriage … Belief Ablaze

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