Below is an adaptation of a meditation I gave on overcoming anger in marriage. For the full message, scroll down below to view the video.
Anger plagues our marriages. It wells up from deep inside of us, doesn’t it? Even though anger is real, overcoming anger in marriage is possible.
Christian counselors have indicated that about 50 percent of couples coming into their offices have challenges with anger.
We know that God gets angry and His anger is righteous anger. But He is slow to anger. He can take decades, even generations, to pour out His wrath. We’re not so slow to get angry.
Jesus drove out the moneychangers and merchants from the temple – twice – at the beginning of His ministry and at the end of His ministry on earth. Righteous anger.
We can even have righteous anger.
When we focus on God and His guidance, overcoming anger is possible.
Nuisances Fester
Nuisances build up don’t they?
We pick up the socks on the floor on Monday. Again, we bend down and pick them up on Tuesday. There they are again on Wednesday, Thursday, Friday. On Saturday, we take the sock drawer to his side of the bed and dump all his socks on his bed, watching some fall on the floor. Walking out of the bedroom, we wait for him to react. Pent-up anger from a nuisance that wasn’t dealt with earlier.
Was your anger justified? Did it help the situation?
How long did it take you to pick up his socks every day? A couple of seconds? A minute or two for you to pull out his drawer, take it to his side of the bed and pour out his socks?
Maybe you felt good in the moment. But you’re waiting for a fight when he discovers what you did. How long before you make up? Days? Is it worth it?
Anger Rages
What about raging anger? Anger that produces yelling, dead silence, or worse?
Have you thought about Cain’s anger in Genesis 4?
Now Adam knew Eve his wife, and she conceived and bore Cain, and said, “I have acquired a man from the LORD.” Then she bore again, this time his brother Abel. Now Abel was a keeper of sheep, but Cain was a tiller of the ground. And in the process of time it came to pass that Cain brought an offering of the fruit of the ground to the LORD. Abel also brought of the firstborn of his flock and of their fat. And the LORD respected Abel and his offering, but He did not respect Cain and his offering. And Cain was very angry, and his countenance fell. So the LORD said to Cain, “Why are you angry? And why has your countenance fallen? If you do well, will you not be accepted? And if you do not do well, sin lies at the door. And its desire is for you, but you should rule over it. Now Cain talked with Abel his brother; and it came to pass, when they were in the field, that Cain rose up against Abel his brother and killed him. Then the LORD said to Cain, “Where is Abel your brother?” He said, “I do not know. Am I my brother’s keeper?” And He said, “What have you done? The voice of your brother’s blood cries out to Me from the ground. So now you are cursed from the earth, which has opened its mouth to receive your brother’s blood from your hand. When you till the ground, it shall no longer yield its strength to you. A fugitive and a vagabond you shall be on the earth.”
Genesis 4:1-12
Hebrews 11:4 gives us the reason God accepted Abel’s offering.
By faith Abel offered to God a more excellent sacrifice than Cain, through which he obtained witness that he was righteous, God testifying of his gifts; and through it he being dead still speaks.
Hebrews 11:4
By faith, Abel offered the sacrifice. It doesn’t say that of Cain’s offering.
Cain’s offering was the effort of dead religion, while Abel’s offering was made in faith, in a desire to worship God in spirit and in truth.
David Guzik
Cain was very angry. He wasn’t sad that God hadn’t accepted his offering. He didn’t ask God why his offering wasn’t accepted. Burning with anger, jealous of Abel, hurt pride, self-focused.
Let’s be honest, isn’t that the way we feel sometimes when our husbands might receive recognition for work that both of you were involved in?
God’s giving Cain a chance, “Why are you angry? And why has your countenance fallen?”
God warns Cain to control himself before he sins.
Today, we have the Holy Spirit to warn us, to remind us of God’s Word.
Notice, “if you do well…” That tells me that Cain could have controlled his anger. He could have dealt with it by asking God to help him. But he didn’t. We’re like that sometimes, aren’t we?
So Cain let the anger fester.
The brothers go in apparent harmony to the field. No new provocation appears, but the old feelings, kept down for a time, come in again with a rush, and Cain is swept away by them. …. Guard the thoughts, and keep down self, and the deeds will take care of themselves.
Alexander MacLaren
God came to Cain again and gave him a chance to confess what he had done.
Cain was defiant. “Am I my brother’s keeper?” No confession or request for forgiveness.
“Am I my brother’s keeper?” It’s like he’s challenging God. Who am I God? My job isn’t to keep Abel safe.
God makes him face what he had done. He gives Cain another chance to confess his sin. No confession.
The consequences: the farmer won’t have success at a good harvest. In fact, he will be a wanderer going from place to place.
So what does the story of Cain have to do with us in overcoming anger in our marriages?
Everything!
Anger Absent
The wife of Charles Spurgeon, Susie, could have been jealous of the fame of her preacher husband and his ministry. She could have lashed out at the publicity and honors that he received, but she didn’t. Ray Rhodes Jr. wrote of her commitment to him in Yours Till Heaven, The Untold Love Story of Charles and Susie Spurgeon.
“Her commitment to his ministry, evidenced by her vow to never hinder him in his work nor expect him to be present even in her sicknesses, freed him to become the man who shook the world in his day and the preacher we still admire today. Susie’s value to Charles is difficult to measure, but it was immense. Had she not willingly and lovingly sacrificed for his mission and ministry, the story of Charles Spurgeon would be different and, perhaps, just a footnote in church history.” (Ray Rhodes Jr., Yours Till Heaven, The Untold Love Story of Charles and Susie Spurgeon, pp. 60-61).
Susie had a ministry to God, her husband, and others. She served as a counselor to women. Susie translated Spurgeon’s sermons into other languages. She assisted him at orphanages and the Pastors’ College that he established. And Susie opened their home to students, church leaders, and travelers and much more.
She could have been jealous of her husband receiving all the attention. Instead, she focused on supporting the mission God had given both of them through Charles.
So when anger wells up in us what do we do?
Anger Overcome
Anger is like the alarm that calls attention to a fire. Once the firemen arrive, you can turn off the alarm and focus on putting out the fire. Similarly, when anger calls us to attention, we must turn off its alarm and focus on the problem that angered us.
Gary Chapman
The PASS Technique to Overcome Anger in Marriage
- Pause and Pray. Take a deep breath, lower my shoulders. Ask God to calm my spirit.
- Ask and Adjust. Is there another way to interpret what just happened or what was said? Adjust my thinking.
- Study and Select. Study my husband and select a response that will achieve the outcome I desire.
- Smile and Say. Smile and say your response in love.
Signal Time Out to Overcome Anger in Marriage
Another way we can deal with our anger is to establish a signal that both of us agreed to before anger broke out. When one of us uses the signal, this allows us to have a time out for an agreed length of time.
We can pray about what just happened and ask God how to respond. Then we come back together when our emotions are controlled. We take each other’s hands and pray, asking the Lord to lead our conversation. Then, we address the problem with active listening.
Actively Listen to Overcome Anger in Marriage
When we actively listen to our husband, we notice his posture, his hand movements, his facial expressions, and his words. We try to understand his emotions.
After he has expressed his thoughts, we lovingly summarize what we think he expressed from his heart (that includes his emotions). Then, we give him a chance to clarify our understanding. This can continue for a few minutes until we both understand each other, and we agree on a solution to the problem.
Anger Controlled
Remember Joseph’s story in Genesis? His brothers were jealous of him because his father, Jacob, showed him more love than he did the other brothers.
They threw him in a pit, then they sold him as a slave.
He ended up in Potiphar’s house, a captain of the guard for Pharoah in Egypt. Potiphar’s wife accused him of trying to rape her, so Joseph ended up in prison.
Finally, Joseph served Pharoah and all Egypt by storing up grain during seven years of plenty and distributing it during a seven-year-famine.
His brothers and father ended up living in Egypt under Joseph’s provision. When Jacob died, the brothers were afraid that Joseph was still angry with them and would take vengeance on them. Genesis 50:15 tells us Joseph’s reaction.
When Joseph’s brothers saw that their father was dead, they said, “Perhaps Joseph will hate us, and may actually repay us for all the evil which we did to him.” So they sent messengers to Joseph, saying, “Before your father died he commanded, saying, “Thus you shall say to Joseph: “I beg you, please forgive the trespass of your brothers and their sin; for they did evil to you.” ‘ Now, please, forgive the trespass of the servants of the God of your father.” And Joseph wept when they spoke to him. Then his brothers also went and fell down before his face, and they said, “Behold, we are your servants. Joseph said to them, “Do not be afraid, for am I in the place of God? But as for you, you meant evil against me; but God meant it for good, in order to bring it about as it is this day, to save many people alive. Now therefore, do not be afraid; I will provide for you and your little ones.” And he comforted them and spoke kindly to them.
Genesis 50:15-21
God is in control. God works all things together for good for those who are called according to His purposes.
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Our job is to honor God and our husbands.
May God wrap His lovingkindness around you and lead you in overcoming anger in your marriage.
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