I’ve been stuck in the miry clay of the perpetual pit of pain and fatigue.
I’ve gnawed and scratched my way up a few feet only to drop back into the mud and cry out to the Lord in anguish.
I felt alone in that pit, not knowing if I could get out, not knowing if I would pull my family into the pit of despair with me.
Those were the times when I cried out to God to take me home–to let me die. But there I was alive and in the pit.
I took pills for the pain, pills to sleep, pills to keep me awake, pills to deal with the side effects of the other pills.
Muddled and dark thinking replaced the encouragement of my family, and I began to think they would be better off without me. Surely God did not want me to be in so much pain; surely He didn’t want me to drag others down. Me … Me … Me.
A ray of light pierced that darkness, and I told my husband, Keith, about the plan, and my doctor changed some of my medications. But it was still a process of hanging onto the lifeline, placing one muddy foot over the other up that wall as Keith and others hoisted me out of the pit of despair.
I have learned that chemicals muddled my thinking, but I have also learned that I also inadvertently chose to remain in that pit longer than I needed to. I had allowed the fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue to define me, and that definition shrouded me in hopelessness, for there is no cure for fibromyalgia at this time. I later learned to define myself as who I was (a child of God, greatly loved by my Heavenly Father and my husband and family) not what disease I happened to have.
I learned to get out of bed even when in pain and sit outside. I learned to bask in the light of the Psalms. I found that David often despaired of his situation and confronted God with his anguish. Most of the time, he ended the psalm in praise. In one psalm, he even asked himself, “why are you cast down O my soul?” David invented self-talk!
When I turned from my pain and to God and others, I discovered that I was wrapped in love, and living with fibromyalgia pain was possible and could have some depth of meaning and significance.
If you have suicidal thoughts, realize that there is hope, and there is help for you. Take these steps immediately:
- Tell a loved one.
- Call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline, 1-800-273-8255, or 1-800-784-2433.
- See your doctor immediately. Tell the nurse it is an emergency.
- Tell God about your struggles and wait on Him as He wraps you in His blanket of love.
- You have much to be grateful for. Count your blessings.
- Recount these blessings throughout the day (a form of self-talk).
- Read the Psalms and meditate on David’s anguish and then his praise.
- Go to church and get involved.
- Volunteer. I’ve talked with volunteers who were depressed until they started volunteering.
- Exercise, one step at a time. It is scientific fact that exercise helps.
My prayer for you
Heavenly Father, You loved us so much that You sent the Holy Spirit as our Comforter. Wrap these dear readers in the warmth of your love and mercy as You lift them into the light of Your truth and grace. Show them that Your mercies are new every morning. Give them grace, peace, hope, and a double portion of Your exquisite love.